So once in a while I find something that exists and I'm all like, there is no way the creator(s) of this did not custom-make this for me. I mean, this is perfectly tailor-made for my exact tastes. That cannot be random coincidence. Am I mad? Am I in a coma? Or am I
back in time just really easily pleased?
So Sharpe, right, I realize none of you care for it much but BOROMIR, IN THE NAPOLEONIC WARS, WITH A KICKASS WIFE. And let's not forget the rest of the Chosen Men, because they're winful. Or Lord Wellington, on whom I am fast developing mad historical crushes. (Have I mentioned how much I love Sharpe/Teresa lately? Because guys, it's a period action flick. You don't get good female characters, much less good romances, in period action flicks. But Teresa! And Sharpe/Teresa! It is very very good.)
A quick summary of the movies:
Sharpe's Rifles: Sharpe meets the Chosen Men by waking up Harper, who promptly attacks him. They roll around on the stable floor until some superior officers wander in and go WTF SHARPE YOU CAN'T DO THAT YOU'RE AN OFFICER NOW REMEMBER.
So Sharpe waits until they're gone. And then he and Harper resume their scuffle on the floor of a different stable. Then Teresa walks in and goes, So, I'm an experienced leader of soldiers. You really shouldn't do that, now that you're an officer and all.
So Sharpe ties up Harper's hands and wrestles with him in a river.
Sharpe's Eagle: The very first thing we see is Harper in Sharpe's tent, nursing his wounds, shaving him, dressing him, and singing him lullabies. Then we meet the South Essex. The South Essex are flogged soldiers, completely green troops, and led by an idiot. Sharpe takes them out for some basic training.
The men are no good at shooting. So Sharpe tells them all to strip to their shirts, and they do, and they're still apparently not good enough so Sharpe takes off his own shirt and struts up and down in front of them bare-chested and then they are inspired and perform amazing feats of gunnery. And then one of them takes the opportunity to swoon into Sharpe's arms.
We also meet Colonel Lawford, who offers himself as comfort in place of Sharpe's lover Teresa, who has gone off spyhatting. YOU THINK I'M MAKING THIS UP, YOU GUYS.
Oh yeah, and Lieutenant Billings is hopelessly in love with James Bond, who thinks that Billings is in love with the Countess, and so tries to get her for Billings, but is stopped by Sharpe, who- naturally- rolls around with him on the ground. And actually gets beaten up, because it's Bond, James Bond, you guys, and it's all very tragic, and goes like this:
James Bond: Fancy a fumble, old boy?
Billings: *hopes very hard that he just heard what he thought he heard*
James Bond: *indicates nearby wenches*
James Bond: Well, you might as well have the maids, since you can't have the mistress.
Billings: *makes cow eyes at James Bond over cards*
James Bond: *wins at cards* You want a woman, old boy.
Billings: Do I?
James Bond: Plenty of fish in the sea, old boy.
Billings: *meaningful look* You know what I want.
James Bond: The Countess, of course.
James Bond: *wins at cards*
Billings: I'm unlucky. Unlucky in cards. *meaningful look* Unlucky in love.
James Bond: You know what? I'll go get her for you.
Billings: Wait, no, that's not-
James Bond: I HAZ A RIDING CROP. KINK TIEM NAOW Y/Y?
Teresa: Your fellow officer is harassing the Countess. Go stop him.
Sharpe: *gets beaten up by James Bond*
Superior Officers: *walk in on Sharpe and Bond rolling around* GOD, SHARPE, WE CAN'T TAKE YOU ANYWHERE, CAN WE.
Sharpe: *is ded of Bond*
James Bond: RAR.
Sharpe: *stands in front of Countess*
Sharpe: *sways on feet*
Teresa: *stands in front of Countess in case Sharpe falls over*
James Bond: So you can pay the debts she owes her servants?
American Southern Gentleman: *hands Sharpe the money, v. surreptitiously, in front of everyone*
Countess: Oh, thank you, Richard Sharpe.
Sharpe: *now owes Southern Gentlemen more money than he'll ever see in his life*
Sharpe: *wanders off to sulk*
Countess: Oh, Commandante Teresa, you're so lucky to have him.
Teresa: *shrugs* Eh. He is lucky to have me.
Guys, you would not believe how much of that was quoted verbatim.
Sharpe's Company: There is a battle, but we pretty much immediately cut to Sharpe shirtless. A tiny adorable Sweet Polly Oliver shows up and is immediately taken with Sharpe and starts following him everywhere, when Pete Postelthwaite shows up. Sharpe slams him into a wall and sends him on his way.
Pete Postelthwaite finds Teresa and attacks her, because he's been creepily stalking Sharpe and trying to kill his lovers ever since India. Teresa, of course, hands him his arse and is considering just slitting his throat and having done when Harper enters, and then Sharpe. Sharpe snarls a lot and then (actually pretty unwisely) decides to opt out of cold-blooded murder. So Pete Postelthwaite insults Harper, who attacks him, and then Sharpe jumps into the dogpile, and they all three roll around on the stable floor and then in the streets until some superior officers happen along and go GOD SHARPE NOT AGAIN SERIOUSLY THIS IS GETTING OUT OF HAND.
And lo, the Sweet Polly Oliver follows Sharpe doggedly around for the rest of the movie.
Sharpe's Enemy: I only started rewatching this one, guys, but it definitely opens with Sharpe and all five Chosen Men shirtless and playing informal rugby and tackling each other and the superior officers walk up just as Sharpe is shirtlessly dogpiled by all of his shirtless men. And they just roll their eyes and go yeah, must be Tuesday.
(Seriously, guys, how is there not a bigger fandom for this sort of thing?)
Started watching Life on Mars with Eema. I'm- as much as I like it, I'm leery of this show. I know shows like this. Shows like this do not hold back. They do not show mercy. I am very firm with myself here- I will not get too involved with you, Life on Mars. We can just keep this casual, right? We can just keep the emotions out of it, okay, because I have been hurt too many times in the past by shows like you. But I just can't stay away like I know I should, because you are really good.
Hey Torchwood? I think it's best that we spend some time apart right now. I think we can work it out, I do, I'm willing to make that effort if you are. I just need some time.
Oh right, but I started this because I wanted to talk about Leverage, because guys guys guyyyyyys, it is JUST FOR ME. It is every episode a heist flick (I love heist flicks!) for some Robin Hood-esque mission (I love Robin Hood!) with five awesome characters (TEAM!), two of which have lots of fun sparky chemistry (Nate/Sophie otp!) and are also kind of Team Parents, you know how it goes, and the other three of which are all together and shiny (Eliot/Parker/Hardisan OT3 OF AWESOME) and also, Badger (BADGER!) is quite possibly Nate's bitter ex, but in any case he's Nate's evil equivalent (Evil Mastermind Badger!) and there are HEISTS.
I was looking for music videos and I noticed that when you are just watching clips without sound, seriously you guys this entire show looks like a gag reel.
I love it.
Also, I've ordered The Fall off Netflix. Yes, I know.
When I read Wyrd Sisters for the first time, I was obsessed with Macbeth and I was all, OMG, this book is so good!
Then I re-read it after I read Hamlet too, and was all OMG, this book is even better than I thought!
And then I just re-read it now, being presently obsessed with a good deal of Shakespeare, but Hamlet and Macbeth in particular, and I was all OMG THIS BOOK IS EVEN BETTER NOW.
Looking forward to re-reading Watership Down, reading Fast Ships Black Sails, and kind of dreading kind of flailing with impatience for Treason's Shore. (What an awful title. Ms. Smith, we need to have some words about that title.)
AUDITIONS ARE ON SUNDAY.
YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW DEAD I AM.
I AM SO DEAD.
Off to practice and die.